Everything is Totally Fucked

Zac Smith

I’m Not Here to Commit Any Crimes

The first family I found was camping in an RV near the woods.

“Woof woof,” I said to the little girl playing with a toy monster truck near the campfire.

“Doggie!” she said, and ran over.

Her mother stepped out of the camper with a metal spatula, looked at me, started yelling.

“Get the fuck away from my daughter!” she said.

I stepped back and held up my hands like a person does, which means: Everything's cool, I’m not here to commit any crimes.

“Sorry,” I said. “I'm a dog. I was just saying hello.”

“Doggie!” said the girl.

“That's right,” I said. I smiled, even though dogs don’t smile unless it’s hot out, and it wasn't that hot out. I was trying to look nice.

“You're not a dog,” said the mom, uncertainly.

The dad came out of the RV holding a big stick with a feather tied to the top of it with some twine. It looked like a fun camping craft activity. He looked nervous, unsure about his role in what was going on.

But if he were a dog, he would have barked at me and barred his teeth and I would have known to run off scared. Or, if I thought I could take him, I would bare my teeth and wrestle with him on the ground to prove it. I would grab him by the neck and start kicking at his stomach, trying to break the skin and pull out his intestines. I would bite his neck and face until he whimpered off and died. But we both just stood there looking at each other instead.

I asked them if they wanted to adopt a dog. I was talking about myself. I wanted them to adopt me. The dog.

“I think you should leave,” said the mom. That meant “no.”

“Okay,” I said.

The dad didn't say anything. He looked relieved.

“Bye, Doggie!” the little girl said. She waved goodbye. I turned and walked back into the woods.

“Bye,” I said.

Cop What a Disaster! Your Heartbeat as a Depressed Man Repeatedly Smashing His Skull onto the 18th Floor Glass Window That is Your Ribcage This Fucking Dresser I’m Not Here to Commit Any Crimes Freedom Is an Abstract Entity That Interacts With The World In Concrete Ways