Everything is Totally Fucked

Zac Smith

This Fucking Dresser

I posted a dresser for free on craigslist. Two college girls wearing gym shorts came for it. They took all the drawers out of the dresser and put them in their car. They tried to fit the rest of the dresser in the back seat of their car but it wouldn’t fit. They tried to fit the rest of the dresser in the trunk of their car but it wouldn’t fit. They told me that the drawers fit in their car but that the rest of the dresser wouldn’t fit in their car. They said they lived close by. They said they didn’t know what to do. I told them that the rest of the dresser would probably fit in my car, which was a Subaru, and that I could drive it to their apartment. I went inside and put on my shoes and my hat. I went outside and they had moved the rest of the dresser to my neighbor’s driveway behind my neighbor’s Subaru. I told them that my Subaru was the other Subaru in the driveway on the other side of the house. They moved the rest of the dresser to the other driveway behind my Subaru. I opened the trunk and moved all the boxes and garbage and umbrellas out of my trunk and into the back seat. They tried to put the rest of the dresser into the trunk of my Subaru but it wouldn’t fit. I moved all the boxes and garbage and umbrellas off of the back seat and onto the floor. I lowered one of the back seats all the way. I lowered the other back seat most of the way because of the car seat. I told them that was as far as it would go because of the car seat. They pushed the rest of the dresser onto the back of the half-lowered back seat and shut the trunk. They told me where they lived and how to get there and then drove away in their car. I drove toward where they lived following their directions. There was a major crash at the intersection near where they lived. I sat in traffic while the cops waved at cars and carried pieces of a car bumper around for twenty minutes. I drove past where they lived. I drove to the lake. I opened the trunk of my Subaru. I pulled the rest of the dresser out of the trunk. I threw the rest of the dresser into the lake. I went home. I went to bed.

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