Everything is Totally Fucked

Zac Smith

What a Disaster!

I was a bank teller at a bank and one day I forgot why anything mattered and I said “What a disaster!” I spent ten minutes throwing twenty-dollar bills at the clients until armed security grabbed me and made me pick up all the twenties while they watched angrily and I said “What a disaster!” I was fired and escorted off of the premises and I said “What a disaster!”

When I got home, my wife was in bed with another woman, and she told me that I had never adequately fulfilled her in the following capacities: romance, sex, conversation, understanding, financial security, and I said “What a disaster!”

She filed for divorce and the judge gave me limited weekend visits with my giant son and I said “What a disaster!” I spent a year trying to get in shape and improve myself and become a better person so that my family would love me again but instead I put on fifty pounds and got shin splints and I said “What a disaster!”

I walked in on my son playing with his legos during one of my limited weekend visits. His mother and her lover were in Naples, drinking wine and making love in the sun. He was building a castle and it was enormous and covered in intricate details. It was the most beautiful castle I had ever seen. I saw in that moment that he was a child imbued with unending potential. I saw in him the locus of a world-famous architect worth millions of dollars, able to find and pursue intellectual passions and travel the world and make love to beautiful lovers in Naples. I walked over to him to kiss him on the head because of how good his lego castle was but I accidentally kicked the lego castle and it broke apart into all of its constituent elements which scattered across the floor and I said “What a disaster!” I stepped on all the loose pieces with my bare feet and they all stung the bottoms of my soft, supple feet and I hopped around in pain and I said “What a disaster!” over and over again.

My giant son stood up and punched me in the face. My lip split open and blood came out. My son punched me in the face again and I cried and sobbed silently and blood and drool and tears merged on my swelling face. My son punched me in the face again and I put my hands onto my face and I hunched my shoulders and my body convulsed with pain. My son punched me in the face again and I said “What a disaster!” And my son sat down and started playing with his legos. I watched him rebuild the castle. It was identical to the first castle. It was perfect.

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