Everything is Totally Fucked

Zac Smith

Cop

I stood at the crosswalk with a bag of tomatoes. I waited thirty-five seconds and pushed the button to activate the crosswalk signal. I waited for a car to run the red light and the very first one to drive up ran the red light so I tossed a tomato into the air above the crosswalk. The tomato hit the car’s windshield and exploded. It was a white car. I don’t know makes or models of cars. It was white and had four doors. The tomato juice was all over it. The driver slammed on the brakes and turned the wheel so the car’s front right tire bumped into the curb. The driver tried to get out of the car but the car was still in drive, so he stopped mid-exit to crouch back down and go back into the car to shift it into park, then fully exited the car. He started yelling at me about whether I was crazy or whatever. A cop ran his cruiser onto the curb in front of the guy’s car and tried to get out of the cruiser but the cruiser was still in drive, so he stopped mid-exit to crouch back down and go back into the cruiser to shift it into park, then fully exited the cruiser. He held up his gun and started yelling about whether the guy was crazy or something. The cop seemed incredibly drunk and kept slurring his words. The guy tried to explain what had happened while still yelling. The cop yelled back trying to tell the guy to stop yelling. I realized that I was also yelling, just really quietly, almost in a whisper, and mostly to myself. The cop started kind of screeching instead of yelling and he leveled his gun at the guy and clicked off the safety. Cars were slowly backing up all around the intersection in all directions. I thought about the line of cars going all the way from the intersection to the west coast, two thousand miles away. I thought about Where the Sidewalk Ends. I thought about throwing a tomato at the cop. I thought about trying to steal the gun from the cop. The cop started arresting the man against the hood of the car. The cop rubbed the man against the tomato guts on the hood of the car. The cop finished arresting the man against the hood of the car. The cop put the man in the back of his cruiser. The cop closed the door of the cruiser. The cop drove away while firing his gun out the window. An hour later a tow truck came for the car and I went home.

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